Acorda, Alice!

I heard the news through a close friend. The words shattering my innermost world. Arms around her shoulders in plain daylight, backgrounds of matching pictures. She was one like me. She held my past, and my accent. But we held wildly different futures.  I got confirmations. Explanations. Descriptions. Way beyond my will. I asked for it, without knowing what awaited for me. That you chose her, even though you didn't want her. You signed a contract. You packed your bags, and got up and left the country. You got hotel rooms, beautiful sceneries, birthday balloons above your head. And I just watched it happen. Trying not to give an ounce of judgement, and holding myself from withering away in darkness. Had you chosen her? You traveled far, and long. You took your tear-sprinkled sweater, and you sold out what I had asked for free, with love as a currency. But what you wanted was material and very countable, albeit an uncountable noun. Somehow, you did chose her. With her contracts, mans...

Do you also see me everywhere?  Is your innermost fear to accidentally open my Instagram and see how successful I am without a trace of you in my life? Even all those years after being so strong and never falling for that trap? Do you look twice when you walk past a dark-skinned brunette on your way from the gym?  Catch yourself wondering what I really looked like in the final months? While everything crumbled?  If my best friend who liked you occasionally mentions your name? If we discuss your existence? Do you ask your parents when they last saw me, and if my new house is pretty enough? If I seem to love him for real?  Wether I'm happier now? Shake at the thought of what it all could mean? I sometimes do.  God rest my soul I miss who I used to be The tomb won't close Stained glass windows in my mind I regret you all the time... I can't let this go I fight with you in my sleep The wound won't close I keep on waiting for a sign I regret you all the time..."